i have accomplished my summer goal of being able to relate to every taylor swift song
she's not going to take you seriously with an empty 40 and a sombrero on your head.
Just chased ups truck with a half wiped ass for you. You're making dinner tonight
apparently the bartender would rather give me free shots than tell me that my whole nipple piercing was hanging out
We decided to cut you off after you insisted on eating peanuts by the dumpster
how the fuck is Katelyn 5'1" and 85 lbs and she tackled a bouncer to the ground?
Every time I drink before 5 somebody's pet dies
Stop drinking before 5
Easier said than done
He was kissing me at red light while his penis was in an aluminum beer bottle peeing..
He realized that I was watching deadliest catch while we were jerkin off on FaceTime.
Woke up on the couch with one cowboy boot on and a hat over my crotch. God bless texas.
Just set out 2 water bottles as an offering to my hungover self.
Will you be doing the frenzied booty dance of passionate ownage on my penis tonight
Get here now. There’s a guy dressed as Captain Morgan handing out miniature bottles of Captain Morgan.
Anal on new furniture sounds like a quickest way to violate a warranty
He stopped mid sex to say he was sorry that he couldn't make us work.continued. Stopped again to ask if it was crazy that he loved me.
That is not what no strings attached sex is about.
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