how the fuck am i supposed to make breakfast with spaghettios and mustard
I don't know what you're doing, but there's a dragon on my street.
I definitely managed to work the word "aforementioned" into the conversation.. At least I'm an intelligent sexter.
my roommate just showed up covered in dirt, drunk....with a whole ice cream cake that says "it's a girl".
2 out of 3 people here lost their shoes. America.
Good morning sunshine. Care to hear the riveting tale of Michelle and the Almost Great Night That Ended In An Early Morning of Karma Emptying It's Bowels On Her Guilty Shoulders?
Checked my photo vault today... My self nudie folder is passing the 150 mark.
The weird thing is that you don't send them to anyone. You just keep them for yourself...
Halfway through the blowjob she stopped and said 'Wait I know this dick'.
Strangers are buying me shots and I got hit on by lesbians. How is it only tuesday
My nose was gushing blood and he just kept screaming "she took it like a champ" to everyone there. Plus side though, bartender felt bad for me and gave me a free drink.
Speeding home on my break at work because I forgot to grab my Percocets that I have because getting through work sober's too hard
She came out of the bathroom listening to her iPod and crying. Then she started scream 'she will be loved'. She seems to be handling the break up well lol
Probably should start having regular sex again too to lose this breakup weight. Good cardio.
So he cheated on his gf again. For the third time. Second time with me. HE CRIED WHILE DRIVING ME HOME BECAUSE HE CHEATED ON HER. And I laughed the entire way. Good god I'm an asshole.
high I am. I am yoda. Yoda I am
Randomize
