sometimes when you bring the thunder you get lost in the storm
Just woke up wearing a top hat and simpsons boxers. i also found more money in my wallet then what i had before going out, about $1000 more
New channing tatum movie.
I'll bring my vibrator.
If you win this game of words with friends, ill suck you off for 30 minutes. No lie.
I cant last that long. Do i get the rollover minutes?
Remember when we were mad at her for brining her mom on spring break? She just won the wet t-shirt contest. I think we owe her an apology.
Just got my first unemployment direct deposit!!!' celebrating at the beach
Me toooooo!! Margaritas
I never knew being a drain on a functioning society would feel so good
I vaguely remember trying to exfoliate my face with your leg hair. Sorry about that.
At orientation, some girl is asking, loudly, where she can get weed. Everyone looks discussed but are paying very close attention to people's answers.
Just want to let you know thanks for setting the bar pretty low when it comes to girls.
I wonder how long it will take her to realize that I peed in her night stand.
Should I be worried if two ants just crawled out of my purse?
Yes!
I'd rather explain to the cops why I'm naked than why I'm drunk.
We had sex on a couch that was held together by Velcro. Want to know an unsexy sound? Velcro ripping apart under your bare ass.
If history is any guide, his morals are no match for my tits
if my 20s were a chapter in my autobiography, it would be called "the room is spinning and my hands smell like dick"
Randomize
