Heard at work: Get out of my face before I cuntpunch you so hard your granddaughters have miscarriages. I love my job.
I'm moving there. Get me hired.
i hit her car. ill just send her a farmville gift in the morning. then it'll be alright.
she is medically diagnosed as a nympho. she has the paper to prove it. hell. fucking. yeah.
Delete her number from his phone. He keeps slurring how he's going to get her "all sorts of pregnant".
If he can forgive your lousy blowjobs, you can ignore his terrible driving.
My dad found me naked curled up under a towel on the couch with a fucking tub of butter and a spoon. Ambien Mondays are dead
Some guy I've never met before just came outside and started rolling a blunt on our fence and passed it around to all six of us. At eight in the morning. Today's gonna be weird.
we received free cupcakes at the first bar, and then I at the second bar i hooked up with a fat chick from Cincinnati on the patio.
you win some, you lose some.
I was telling my friend about your penis and the only word I could think of was voluptuous. You have a voluptuous dick.
So the revenge porn my ex posted just resulted in a contract with a gay porn company. I'm going to make $8,000 this weekend. That would a breakup checkmate. Are you joining me in the legislative committee hearing tomorrow?
At one point, the bartender wrote out the words "please kill me" on some receipt paper and slid it across the bar to me.
He sang a ten minute song about me sitting on his face and eating quesadillas. Pretty sure I have to marry him.
not only was there glitter in the toilet after i peed, but there was some on the toilet paper after i wiped. this cant be healthy.
I need to go home for the safety of everyone in a 10 mile radius, especially me
You're lucky I just like fucking you because you would really suck at being a boyfriend.
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