Welp...herpes.
you didnt have any toilet paper so I just took a shower
One little Beyonce reference and he turns on me faster than liberals on Jon Mackey
it only takes four glasses of wine for me to ride an elephant with a stranger.
I woke up with the new contact "Britney Both Nipples Pierced"... how do you think the night went?
Today's dinner table topic: the probablity of my dad turning gay if he ever left my mom.
Fuck it dude, we gotta bounce before she starts talking about her steve irwin conspiracy
I got to masturbate in Rome in a gorgeous hotel room. Don't try and tell me I need a boyfriend
thanks for not telling him i named my trumpet after his dick
Im about to smoke a huge bowl. My penis is so happy. Who needs girls.
I was going to ask the people in the kitchen to keep the volume down, but they're cooking pasta at 3 AM and one complimented me on my polka-dot nightgown. They're high. No volume control.
Wasn't his fault he kicked a hole in the wall, they should have never tried to give him a bath after tequila.
i don't know if this is a cannibal joke or a sexual innuendo, and i think that's a beautiful description of our relationship.
I am so sorry. Not sure for what, but whatever I did last night probably merits an apology, so I'm covering my bases.
I finally selected an outfit that says "I'm not easy" but still shows off the tittays.
Randomize
