im at a bar with my dad last night and he got hit on more that I did
Guess who is high enough to buy Jingle All The Way?
Thank God for cruise control and the Starbucks cup I had to puke in.
I really need to get laid. I'm telling at least 10 girls that I love them tonight.
Odds are at least 1 out of those 10 girls will be as crazy as you and will be into it.
In an m&m suit playing manhunt drunk. And you thought you werent guna have a good time
The kid I'm babysitting just asked if I had a boyfriend. WHY IS A FOUR YEAR OLD MAKING ME FEEL BAD ABOUT MY LIFE
im pretty sure the clearest way to say "dont worry, im not emotionally attached" was by sleeping with his roommate the next night
it felt like i was a kid in an empty playground. i fucked him on every piece of furniture in the house and then when his housemates showed up i was naked in his bed like i'd been there all along.
I'm studying for my midterm by watching porn with Spanish subtitles. Surprisingly the words are still really distracting..
Did you guys seriously let me trade my id for a kebab last night??
I'm taking ecstasy it's gonna be that kind of Vegas trip
He can't just hit it and quit it and then eat your pop tarts on his way out.
You kidnapped her dog. I don't care that you and the dog are epic bros, that's just not cool. Return him.
...and if you can get the necessary ingredients to make the Buffalo Chicken Melt, I will latch forever at your Teat of Justice.
It was ok until his mom walked in and asked if he turned on the crock-pot...
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