I just ate a drumstick out of the garbage. I need a life coach.
I feel like a panda just shit rainbows on my mind
they say celebs die in threes. leave it to billy mays to throw in one extra COMPLETELY FREE!
I walked into the garage and you were telling the bikes that you were not that drunk.
I come back into the room and you're grinding with the person in the mascot suit.
If we go out with the 22/23 year olds we should make t a double date. I don't want to endure the judging looks of the public as I rob the cradle alone.
We had half a pitcher of beer left and he asked us if we wanted a to-go cup. Fuck yeah we want it to-go.
I am making up for a 7 year dry spell so I get a pass and I don't always care if there is a second date. It is like college but with more money and condoms.
This girl just said she was late for class because she was having sex.
He has started theming his dick pics. I have one he sent his duck has a sombrero on. Another a Barbie is riding it.
Hey, what's a nice way of saying "Why'd you send me a picture of your boobs last night" without seeming ungrateful?
So...I was fapping and during it, I got an Amber Alert notification...that's just bad timing.
He just told me my boobs made up for all the bad things that had ever happened to him. I'm definately having sex with him again.
He deliberately gets me high because he knows I fuck better and then I make food for two. I don't know if I should feel mad or proud of him for thinking that far.
I have bruises everywhere an I broke the lamp. So ya I'd considerate rough sex.
Randomize
