i can't wait to go to hell
yeah...all of my friends will be there for sure
...i apologize for hitting you up so much tonight im just kinda in a little pickle. im going to sleep in my car near u so pretty plz lmk if you head home...
I just saw a San Diego firetruck. No wonder they can't figure out how to fight wildfires if they get so fucking lost they end up in Nebraska.
Wait til she sees the pic of her vag in court docs.
French fry pizza
Are you brilliant or just really high?
Can't it be both?
I gave her at least chlamydia. Maybe worse. She is also into chicks and loves taking naked pics. It's like the less I believe in Jesus, the more he rewards me.
i've been lying on top of my bed for the past 20 minutes
i'm about to blow half an adderall though and try to rally
They turned motor-boating me into some kind of sick game
I don't understand how 5 bottles of booze became normal or acceptable per 2.5 people
I'm two sheets to the sexual wind
Waiting to interview and found a beer in my purse from last night
How many other adults do you think have slept naked under the Winnie the Pooh blanket sober?
Once the overwhelming "oh god my crotch is on fire" wears off, that excite stuff is really nice
Just in case you forgot, you puked all over your boss house, pissed on his coffee table, and were then thrown out by his wife
I just found out through a drunken phone call that my parents thought I'd grow up to be a porn star. It's kind of scary how accurate they were at how skilled I'd be at sex.
Randomize
