You get to witness red pubes. I'm almost jealous. That's like my dream.
The bride says you won't want any of the single ladies...
Let's let the open bar be the judge of that.
There was a fucking SNAKE in the urinal. WHAT THE FUCK
But i don't feel like talking to him right now. I woke up an hour ago to a picture of his penis and I AM NOT A MORNING PERSON.
We can't tell anyone we fucked because I'm still trying to get with your friend. Is she coming next weekend?
things I never thought I would say vol. 24 "Bagpipes just remind me that my relationship is over"
I totally almost forgot you fucked that guy. St. Patty's bar crawls always have a drawback.
Last night I dreamt that I sold my car and used the money to have wheels surgically implanted in my feet and legs so I became a human heely and I just rolled everywhere
THIS IS A TERRIBLE REWARD FOR NOT GETTING PREGNANT.
I feel bad cuz I was his ride home, but I didn't know I was going to have a religious experience with a guy in a cookie monster t-shirt. You can't plan for that shit.
MY INSIDES ARE BASICALLY BEING WRUNG BY A CHAINSAW IM NEVER TAKING PLAN B AGAIN
We broke up. And I told him he better give me my fucking star wars movies tomorrow. Priorities.
You're the third Mark I've fucked in that bed.
I'm eating pizza in the bathtub
i woke up this morning wearing my pants as a scarf and my shirt as a daiper, my boyfriends contact name in my phone is "human sacrifice" and yours is "i like eggs"....can someone please tell me what happened last night
She climbed in my window blew me and left. She's in my phone as the blow job fairy
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