New Jersey isn't a real state, it's just a myth you tell little kids to scare them like Canada or Carrot Top
bikini waxes are so much more painful when you know you're not getting laid
the $20 limit for secret santa doesn't apply to me cause you know a half gram of coke is more than $20
do you think the bartender judged us for asking for shots of well vodka and water chasers?
I know what youre going to say and vodka only explains half of my sitation
Dude between pissing everywhere and all of those frogs, that bathroom got wrecked.
Let me refresh your memory. New Year's Eve in the back of my car you grabbed my hand and said feel my tumor on my butthole and at that moment I swear we were infinite
I have a diplomatic trade for you. My pants for your rum. Tomorrow?
My vagina feels like it's been kissed by angels.
It's disgusting. He breathes through his mouth and just sounds fat. Plus he chews all loud and shit.
The last time I saw her someone was carrying her on a bike and she was yelling that she was E.T.
Excuse me while I take my birth control pill for today to prevent getting pregnant from hearing about your sex life
So the next time I search for "Dragon Dildo" on my phone, I should probably clear the browser before handing my phone to someone and that's the first thing they see haha
I am literally so hung over that I just opened up my emergency kit, got out a survival meal replacement bar and ate it.
There's a hole in our hallway wall. Don't hate me. I'll fix it. It's only about the size of a beach ball. I promise to never scale walls in our apartment ever again. Don't hate me. I love you.
Randomize
