He's marrying her, which means that she is his most important person in the world, so you gotta deal with it...okay?
Dude, just got a bummer.
What??
A blow job from a homeless chick.
This morning I saw a frozen puddle in front of my RA's door and I laughed, assuming someone poured water in hopes that she would slip and fall. That's when my roommate told me I had peed there last night. Thank you Captain Morgan!
I'll go out only because I know the starving children in third-world countries would frown upon us if we let an hour of free sangria go to waste...
My financial advisor pointed out that 37% of my income is currently going towards "non-essential food items"
That's banker lingo for "you're an alcoholic"
my financial goal is to have my cable back before football season starts
you made your own hammock out of a towel and duct tape.
I wish that one Sunday morning I could wake up feeling like I have my life together.
Guess who won a bet and gets to name it Optimus prime if it's a boy
Nevermind. Totally worth it.
I have vodka soaked strawberries. My latest tarot card reading hinted at a lesbian/bisexual coming out. I doubt I survive the night.
Member that time when we got super drunk and had fun and fell in love
I remember it like it was tomorrow.
I just saw a bunch of drunk old guys riding on the side of a modified old fire truck yelling at cars and smoking while they looked for parking...promise we will be just like them when we grow up?
I'm craigslisting fire trucks as we speak
Dislocated my knee during sex, popped it back in and kept going. Then got simpathy chipotle out of it too.
took shots off of a myriad of fake boobs last night. It was glorious.
This makes me appreciate being single with no prospects.
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