Hello Stephanie, you need to come pick me up at Par Blvrd correctional facility and bring $750-$1000 for bail. I just got a DUI. Thank you.
What!?!?! How are you txting?!
Because this is Officer Reynolds, and I just arrested your boyfriend.
my mom just walked in on me furiously masturbating while reading twilight. needless to say, im officially out of the closet.
i think 'regret' was last night's theme. i could taste it in my mouth and woke up next to it.
Sometimes he's such a bitch I forget that he's not actually a girl. Last night I asked him if I could borrow a tampon.
He had some in his pocket. That was weird.
i just rolled a joint on the giving tree. that book has given me so much.
You are the sheppard guiding my vagina away from horrible decisions.
I found her in the trunk, smoking a cigarette, saying every girl should know how to get out of their trunk
Was she always missing a tooth or am I just now noticing it?
I'm using my dog as a pillow. He's cool with it.
I almost had to fight a bird, and you know how scared I am of birds. It found that Percocet that I lost in the grass last week, I threw out my back when I launched myself at that little fucker.
You had a fry stuck to your face... Every five mins you would wake up, take a bite, put it back then fall asleep again...
he threw an umbrella that he ripped out of the table at the fence like he was harpooning a whale while the owner of the bar was outside then tried to blame it on an old man...
I like to oil my gears with cheap vodka and strangers
How was that girls surprise party last night?
Got absolutely destroyed tried to put somebody's leather jacket on and make out with their mother. You know.. the norm
Drunk. Send nudes. Just curious.
Randomize
