By the end of the second bowl I was making sound effects to every hand movement he made.
i think i have two assholes
Well I tried to steal a golf cart. I fought with the Chick-Fil-A cow. And other things.
don't ever tell me how terrible your next walk of shame is until you run into your little brother on his way to class.
My mind hurts. I feel like I drank sand yesterday.
Yea it's a sex scar. But if anyone asks I tripped up carpeted stairs
Well at least it wasn't the first time I threw up out of a second story window
One of my students submitted a thesis proposal to find the exact correlation between desire for sexual intercourse and vaginal heat.
Tell me you accepted it! This is critical fucking research!
I have lots of feelings today, but drunk is my favorite.
Best walk of shame ever. Wearing a bright purple onesie, covered in smudged childrens make up, carrying my shoes and 1/4 sac of goon. I swear every house I walked past had an elderly couple watering their garden just to watch me
I'm a bit offended I got no nudies back but it's whatever
They're in the mail. Snapchats too fast. I want the suspense.
You don't know reunion panic until you've exfoliated your butt cheeks.
I'm only friends with her because I can't stop watching the train wreck.
I was so hungover at work I had my shirt on backwards. I had no idea how I managed to get through today puke free.
so this maintenance guy stood at the corner of my cubical and scratched his balls for like a full minute cause he thought no one could see him
Randomize
