I made out with the bride. You tell me how my night was
I don't think you have the libido for two women at the same time
I think you underestimate the amount of time spent masturbating
the best thing about long term relationship is that the fact that i bothered to shave my legs today counts as a valentines gift
As far as figuring life out your talking to a guy that's alternating text messages between his baby mama and a drunk bitch I met tailgating. My best advice is don't worry about shit out of your control and always and I really mean ALWAYS wear a condom.
I opened up my wallet and it was filled with puke.
Your shoe was in the washing machine. I have it in my pocket. My phone rang before and I answered your shoe. Meet me at the bar in 10.
I don't remember coming in last night, but apparently I ate a piece of pizza because when I woke up I had pizza crust stuck to the back of my thighs.
My boss followed me on Twitter. Excuse me while I delete 90% of my tweets
I found them in the bathroom trying to wrap an American flag around Steve's dick. I didn't bother to ask questions.
1. Why did we have the team Chirstmas party in November 2. Why didn't anyone tell me the coaches were invited 3. Why did coach get the giant vibrator I brought
I just got called the stable friend. This makes me super uncomfortable
went back to my college bar last night. Bar tender doesn't remember my name but remembers me as margarita girl...I'm not even mad though
If I'm gonna have a rotation of guys, I really should stop them leaving boob bruises...
Whenever a guy asks me why I like weird sex stuff, I just answer, "Catholic School".
You do realize it’s only a matter of time before I have a bad day and come home with an alpaca?
Randomize
