Erin Andrews shaves. She also likes to check out her ass in the mirror. Of course if I had an ass like that I'd be checking it out in the mirror too.
A stripper just got mad at me for saying goddammit. She's in no position to lecture me on morality
he couldn't find his key, so we just had sex on his parent's porch while we waited for his mom to get home.
remember the used condom we threw behind my bed? my mom found it and is accusing me and making a big deal out of it,
Haha! You pissed me off, so I actually told her to go look behind your bed. Good thing I moved to Nevada, so your dad can't kick my ass. Good luck bitch.
My sister got her picture in the pub crawl section of the paper today and my dad said to me "why can't you be more like her?"
the problem with having sex for lunch when its 98 degrees outside is that I can't tell if its sweat or semen running down my leg as I walk back in the office
In preparation for st patty's day I finally had a shamrock shake, and I invested in an app that will apparently keep me from drunkenly texting you pictures of my tits this weekend. Please let me know if you want to not be put on the "forbidden" list!
Apparently all year they've been using me as a standard of drunkenness
you were like "guys ... i think i got fingered while dancing tonight"
our poor poor cab driver
I didn't know your ex looked like a male Khloe Kardashian?
Apparently, the Mormons have taken over airports. I was told by a befuddled looking clerk I couldn't buy a beer with breakfast before 6am.
I never thought my gollum impression would lead to me getting laid.
Huzzah!
Your amazing boobs made me fall in love with boobs. I never cared about boobs you should be proud
i read his ps3 instant messaging thing... he's meeting a guy to have sex. i think your boyfriend's gay
Actually new year, new me. I haven’t had sex yet so technically I’ve been a virgin all year.
Randomize
