U dropped me off n it hit me, i made it inside for exactly shit thirty on the nose, another minute n i would of had brown trowsers
I got so high that I decided to drive with my knees on the way home. Where am I going in life?
Nowhere
I've awoken at 3am again, in a night terror, just thinking about how big his dick was.
I did the walk of shame wearing his scrubs. Fucking med school students is the way to go.
No more fucking baseball tools. Walk-of-shamed home in only a pinstriped jersey and a Red Sox SnapBack.
I have a cracked rib, no way in hell I'm bottoming for him tonight!
I got really upset about missing him last night when I was demonstrating penis sizes of the people I've slept with using a tape measurer to my roommates
DON'T PUKE iN THE PRINGLES CAN, WHATEVER YOU DO!
Look, when i woke up this morning, I had every intention of being a responsible twenty-five year old, cleaning up, making my budget, and filing my taxes. Its just I got siderailed by pot and downloading classic Disney songs, because fuck adulthood; everyone loves Disney.
Woke up pants less in the vacant apartment across the hall. It was unlocked because they were showing it to someone. When they walked in I woke up and said "this is a great place to live" and walked out
You said "I'm not gonna waste my last condom on you" last night.
Goddamn right, I may not survive the apocalypse, but my eyebrows fucking will.
That's crazy. Wow that lady must be fucked up
Yeah I hope she's okay.
I'm still going to fuck her husband but I do hope she's okay.
the guy in front of me in walmart is buying a blowtorch, potato chips, and condoms. I'm curious and horrified at the same time.
Got lost on the way to my dealer again. He stayed on the phone with me untill i found him and then hooked it up because I got lost.. What a genuine person.
Randomize
