it felt like the flash was giving me a handjob
You going out tonight?
No I am at the hospital. Throwing up blood is apparently frowned upon.
I listened to the last 10 minutes of that 20 minute voicemail, it's solid gold. At one point he literally suggests we buy tasers and go around shooting people.
I found her sitting in the shower having an argument with the dolphins on the shower curtain.
he called AT&T to make sure that he had insurance before he threw his cell phone into the fountain.
well if I unknowingly shoved my hand up someones ass, I'm glad it was yours
andd if someone unknowingly shoved their hand up my ass without me knowing, im glad it was you
She was trying to fuck the exchange student from France. His English is really bad and the music was loud so she just pointed to a beer bottle and then her vagina.
You should make it a point to use vocabulary that is competition appropriate around him, like "champion" and "training" and "victory sex"
New rule: gentleman callers are required to bring me gifts of beer when coming over to court you. Tell the monster jam dudes so they know.
New fuck buddy and long time fuck buddy are carpooling home for thanksgiving. #10hrconvoaboutmyblowjobskills
Executive order 941: BRING ME THE FINEST PANCAKES!
You have got to stop watching the West Wing before going out.
Can we table this discussion? The roommate is out of town and I have to eat pie on the couch in my underwear.
Woke up and took my pants off only to realize that I was wearing my shirt from last night as my underwear
Getting drunk at 9 am is not a super power.
I found a used condom in my purse this morning. It was in there with a bunch of smushed french fries.
Randomize
