dude, i woke up naked in her front yard...apparently i tried to leave in the middle of the night, forgot my clothes and decided,"oh heres a nice patch of grass to sleep on" I think god is up there laughing at me.
i have absolutely no control over my now miserable and whore-ish lifestyle.
you're just mad because in the hogwarts world I'm Harry and you're Ron. get over it.
I would say a second date is not looking likely, I acciedentally bit his penis. it's still bleeding 43 minutes later.
I am dripping wet and slathered in glitter and banana mush. I love gay guys.
Apparently as I was doing the walk of shame home my dad's date was on her way to hers. hoes come in all ages these days
Like I said I'm looking on the bright side. The bright side just happens to be filled with penis attached to hot marines
Well you just missed the ten chi o pledges singing la bamba at our doorstep.
You shouted "FUCK SHANIA TWAIN" and then downed an Aquafina bottle of white wine none of us knew how to react
I feel like I should pray to the god of Febreze, because it is like it washes away the smell of all my sins from the bed
Look, sometimes you have to snapchat a topless photo of yourself in the middle of class just to prove you can. I can and I did. End of argument.
I woke up in someone's flat in Budapest and then got offered a free piercing before I left. Best. Hookup. Ever.
He responded to all of my texts prodding for dirty talk with "I will do anything you are comfortable with."\n\nChivalry is great, but being comfortable doesn't get me wet.
I'm currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
just to let you know, that was probably the funniest text i've ever received.
I suppose that kind of helps fill the void where my self respect used to be.
At least I’m an “essential employee” and can still bang my boss. \n\nFingers crossed my husband doesn’t ask why I’m essential, the orgasms are too good to give up during this pandemic
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