I'm going to jail i love you
shotgunning a bud heavy is like shotgunning a turkey sandwich
We went to red robin and there was a 15 minute wait so we went and fucked in the car. Quickies, endless fries, and a mascot handing out balloons- this is literally the night of my dreams.
There is tupperware vodka. thats right tupperwares full of vodka. best leftovers ever
He woke up, got my bottle of water and poured it on me and then went back to sleep. Not really how I want to wake up at 2 a.m.
We bought home drug tests to see which of us could make it look more like a kaleidoscope. What happened to the days of innocent fun trying to best everyone with a breathalyzer?
Sneezing blood is a good thing right? Medically speaking.
July fourth my place, drunken bubble slip n slide. Yes this is happening and yes I am 31
Do you think I could convince a doctor that my uterus is poisoning me? It wouldn't technically be a lie. It does more harm than good.
Seriously babe, why do I keep waking up with bruises on my nipples? WHAT ARE YOU DOING TO ME IN MY SLEEP?
Actually, scratch that, I'm not sure I want to know.
When she saw "buy condoms" on my to do list she figured out pretty quick we were breaking up.
I'm not sure. But he has a pet sugar glider. So, points either way
As long as that's not his name for his dick.
I'll like his pictures on Instagram every once and a while so that when he sees my name he is reminded of the best blow job he's ever gotten.
At one point I had two blunts in my hand and had no idea where they came from.
Is using La Croix as a mixer for vodka a legit way to reach my daily water consumption?
Randomize
