You know the commpass Jack Sparrow has? The one that just points at whatever you want? Thas pretty much my moral compass.
she started talking about my kids
was she topless?
I just saw a guy give a mop to his fat wife and say "Look, an exercise stick!"
I want to fuck you with a popsicle till it melts then eat it out of you
Really.
I guess I tried to spit on a homeless man on the walk home...Out. Of.Hand.
you kept saying "no santa, im not having sex with you. it's not your holiday".
We left the house and she said "let's go dick hunting" theres no way last night was gonna end up well
Well, I'm off to go seduce a gay man. In 10 years when I'm 300 pounds, sitting in a mumu surrounded by my 500 cats, remind me of this text. That way I can be like "ohhh THERE'S where I went wrong!!"
I knew it was time to stop when you guys were playing a drinking game called "every three steps take a drink"
we're all going for beer and wings at 7. inflate your girlfriend and bring her along too.
come home. i made deep-fried hotdogs; don't let me die alone.
I was basically just fingering myself and thinking about space.
You know i love you, but i just cannot fuck you until your eyebrow grows back. It's too hard not to laugh.
You are allergic to dogs. DO NOT kidnap something you are allergic to. No matter how fluffy.
Went to bed still wearing my bralette. When I was changing this morning, a Tootsie Roll fell out. I'm definitely living my best life.
Randomize
