I swear to god I'm with a high end prostitute right now and shes the most interesting person I've ever met. She just took me in to share an evening.
And as an added bonus she seems to have gotten a blood stain out of my favorite t-shirt
I'm home now. bring me food and boobies
oral is when you put your mouth on someones privates and play moterboat or popsicle
First date: that requires underwear, huh?
I just woke up naked clutching a Taco Bell bag.
I'm just gonna be the bigger person here and say I want you inside me
I have to overdose on valtrex I had a rough weekend.
I want to let you in on my two latest life goals. Have a photograph of me squirting whipped cream into a midget's mouth, and have sex on a roof.
Note to self: remember to figure out whether melted cheese is a liquid when not stoned
His name was Kyle but I insisted on calling him baby Jesus all night and then we did a line and he bought me Taco Bell so idk
WHY IS THE HAIRSPRAY SOUNDTRACK PLAYING IN THE LIQUOR STORE
I feel like too many of my sentences start of with "Hey, fuckface!"
his mom fetish really needs to stop. this is literally the 5th time i've come home from work and there's been some random skank and her kids in the living room.
did one of the kids use their poo like a crayon on the wall this time?
i feel like ive seen the light, but not in the nasty christian way. thats gross. say no to jesus, kids
Nah, we’re just sitting around talking about different kinds of boners
Randomize
