i think you know its gunna be a bad day when it starts with throwing up into a red plastic cup
I bought a fake diamond ring to wear, not only to bars to keep the creeps away, but so that I'll be judged less by the front desk girl at Planned Parenthood
I just had a formal request to dress as a boyscout for my meeting with Legal on Friday. From Legal. Time to go home.
My head weighs 7 pounds. i know this because i spent the majority of the night passed out in the bathroom, using the scale as a pillow.
i was able to set 4 alarms to make sure i woke up in time for class but i couldnt take the open beer out of my pocket before i did cartwheels down the hall...
I've got a whole match.com system. Triple book. First dates always get the 6pm happy hour drinks slot. 8pm dinner goes to a girl where I think I can close the deal. 10pm slot goes to the sure thing in case of emergency, but 6 can always trump 8 and 8 always trumps 10. Just blame it on a dead iPhone battery.
That, my friend, is how I bang 50 new girls a year. Not luck at all. It's science and statistics.
Only you could walk of shame to a childrens pirate themed birthday party
Thanks to a poorly written tweet a whole bunch of people thought I died last night.
Yes. Amanda is the only option and I want cake so I can sacrifice my vagina.
No shame December is a go.
He was just lying in his underwear like a present. I had to unwrap it.
Then again, he has huge mansions.
*manboobs.
He was really cute! And I know but it's just like getting my fix ya know? He's basically a human vibrator.
So some guy thought I took second place in a male stripper competition
Why are there condoms taped to the handle of Tito’s?
I get horny when I drink, pregnant when I fuck and I never lose the booze unlike my purse
I remember her making the first martini but the rest of the weekend is a blur of vodka, high heels and sex toys.
First time being used by a cougar. Definitely okay with it
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