it sounds like her vocal chords are covered in pudding and rocks. come get me.
he just texted me two pictures of his dick. i feel i should rethink whatever vibe im obviously giving out
so is it as big as he says?
he put a tube of toothpaste next to it as a reference. it looks legit
you just used "cock block" and "youth group" in the same sentence. somethings wrong with you.
So drunk can't even tell it's my own house. WOaoOw.
If you come, call before you come in. I'm tanning my balls. Enjoy that visual.
I never want to hear the words unlimited shots for boobs in the same sentence ever again.
Can you explain the plethora of sunflower seeds in the dryer?
my mom just told me I should hit it and quit apparently she does not like this new girl
Can we just talk about how I wrote out all the stuff I had to do this week and for Thursday it says "drink and cry"? ...I don't remember putting that but it sounds like something I would do
Apparently drunk me thought it was a good idea to buy $100 worth of band aids and stick them all over everything in the apartment.
So apparently it wasn't anything really bad, it's hemorrhoids. Which is the medical word for butthurt. I actually have ass ointment.
I think his dick was bigger than his dog
At least life still wants to fuck me.
My fire has petered out without you
My Peter has fired out without you
That might be the most romantic thing you’ve said to me, unfortunately.
you know you're sexually deprived when you're holding a warm taquito in your hand and your vagina starts to tingle
Randomize
