Jon and Kate are totally playing with my emotions.
i mean i care more about their marriage then my own parents
just took batteries out of my vibrator to play wii guitar hero. think i am gonna regret that move later tonight.
Katie Perry lied, you can't just wake up and shake the glitter off your clothes.
i find it simply astounding you spelled drunken wrong but pterodactyl right
How is it that lesbians won't hit on me at a gay club, but they'll hit on me every time I go to Walmart?
For future reference, when you see people who look like Rosie O'donell, do not tell them they look like Rosie O'donell.
Holy fucking shit the worst thing for a hangover ever--A FUCKING BOLLYWOOD MOVIE BLARING IN CLASS
You attract beautiful men with jobs. I attract ONE WITH A SOUL PATCH.
it was a sexy soul patch.
Is it festive if I masturbate to Santa porn?
I sleep better at night when I win things. I never really weep for others.
Kick open the door, strike a pose, steal a boyfriend, end scene.
it'll be like the notebook except for with way more of my penis
It's almost 5am and all I can keep thinking is IT'S WHISKEY TIME!!
The bouncers found you passed out on the toilet. They tried to move you but you refused and repeatedly shouted that you wanted to go out like Elvis.
Trying to figure out these fractions. I bought 5 fifths of gin last week. Does that mean I have one whole gin? 5/5 = 1, right? You're having to homeschool your kids right now--so ask them.
Randomize
