thank god he doesn't hang out with everyone else i've had sex with
well, yeah, he can't fit the whole neighborhood in his apartment
Oh. My. God. Best non-relationship, he-might-be-cheating-on-his-boyfriend-but-I-can't-tell-because-of-the-language-barrier sex EVER!
working out is totally making me break out.. i'm doomed to forever be either a butterface or a butterbod. there is no way out.
You're breaking my vagina 4 times a day I reserve the right to know your middle name.
What's the wine called that we really like and we usually drink it with xanax?
Walk of Shame today included voting.
And he was super vague about his life, it was frustrating. I totally boned a homeless guy, didn't I?
You're just mad because I look hotter in my mug shot than you do in yours
I feel like my chances would have been better if I hadn't told her "I need to fuck you before you leave."
I didnt think the feeling of accomplishment for fucking brothers would be this great.
Don't worry, I'm preparing for tonight by lining my purse with a garbage bag.
How do I cancel buying spotify premium for two homeless people?
Do you think I need to report to HR that the intern and I had butt sex?
If you had a dick, I would hope it falls off and comes back to haunt you while fucking your ears at night. But you don't. But if you did, that's how mad I am at you
Just got home from work. I'm going to change into sweats for a while before I have to wear normal pants to the party like I promised.
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