Woke up in a pool of alcohol sweat. Probably could wring out my sheets and make a decent cocktail.
I feel like one of those toads that you lick to get high or find a prince.... cept when you lick me you find a drunk whore.
we're talking about where were going. or where we stand. but yeah we'll basically be doing it in the hallway so just ignore us
He was rambling about life and dignity and happiness. but all i kept thinking was PENIS. YOU HAVE A PENIS. I CAN SHOW YOU WHERE TO PUT THAT PENIS.
i like to finish this college football season knowing that not once have I had to masturbate to erin andrews
I'd like to be considered more than just his fuck buddy thanks. IVE BEEN RISKING PREGNANCY FOR SEVEN GODDAMN MONTHS I DESERVE THE TITLE OF GIRLFRIEND
I can't. I think his penis is about to take out a restraining order against me.
You could make a naked club. One member, you. One president, you.
Oh god. Just tried to hail a pizza delivery car. Awkward.
International sake day = success
All of my exes are either overweight and neckbearded or dead. Someone out there is looking out for me.
Lemme put it this way babe, at point you were naked in Target.
Where were you?
Laughing
You know it was a weird week when you have a mystery bruise and youre unsure if it was from crazy sex or getting bit by a duck. Life.
I've made a new rule for socializing in the winter: if it doesn't involve me orgasming or getting drunk I can't make it
This is a long quiet interstate without somebody to sext.
It was kind of like hidden Mickey ears, but with dicks.
My dog just blew me a kiss. First of all I'm stoned and second of all he's a pitbull. Those aren't sexual dogs. So wtf.
Randomize
