Yeah and Nick is shooting his loaded 9mm in his backyard.
DOES ANYONE KNOW THE NINJA TURTLES
I just got wrote up for "repeatedly smelling like alcohol"
That was long passed due.
and she was grinding on the wall, purring at guys she liked at the pregame...
She told me she's going to buy a projector so she can watch porn on her ceiling...I'm telling you man this chick is going places
I just realized I'm the burger in your burger and steak anology. Very disconcerting.
Ya I know. She's self aware though, like the terminator. Which is the best kind of crazy
Remember that time you bought snap bracelets on Amazon and they sent you 300 pregnancy tests instead? Amazon knows.
do you think the dildo I'm bringing through airport security is considered a weapon?
How did I pull off convincing everyone that my name is Dad? Maybe they were just distracted by my boobs.
a guy offered me a piece of pizza if I'd make out with a random girl. We got the whole damn box and I ain't even mad
It was after I slept with him he tells me he's a juggalo
Well it was nice knowing him
you are singlehandedly the most cursed object the universe ever conceived
oh what is to come when my single life starts with a threesome?
You know it's a good May 2-4 when it involves 14 straight hours of vodka slush and garlic bread
Randomize
