the last time I saw her she was leaving the mens bathroom and club rush with her dress inside out. typical tease.
Just woke up wearing a top hat and simpsons boxers. i also found more money in my wallet then what i had before going out, about $1000 more
Have you ever seen a 300 pound pregnant lady's boob fall out of her shirt cuz she's not wearing a bra? I have.
my fingers and penis are no longer on speaking terms. My penis is too jealous of where my fingers get to go.
Covered in glitter and dick. 2010 feels a lot like 2009.
Tonight I think I'm going to go out with a french braid so I don't wake up with puke hair. Thoughts?
And your mom thought you weren't even thinking about your future... she would be proud
i flashed his best friends last night
you always were good at making good first impressions
Just ran interference for her again. Sometimes i wonder how many times in my life i'll have to be a cock block at the clinic
He showed me one of his balls and said "this one's free. you'll have to work to see the other.."
I woke up to him pissing in their fireplace with fairy wings on.
I just used a VHS tape as a plate for sanwich
Headphones came off my phone same time as The Weeknd sang "Who's gonna fuck you like me?"...Everyone at work heard it.
A party without a piñata is not a party I want to attend.
I come home to my brother mixing skittles and vodka. We're all proud of him.
I smell like beef jerky
That's among the sexiest things you've ever said to me.
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