My doctor just informed me that my food allergies qualify me for a medical marijuana license. I get it on Tuesday. It won't help at all, but my life is awesome!
He came on my face and told me I looked like a gingerbread house.
I kept grabbing at Stephanie's boobs because I thought the leopard spots on her dress were popcorn.
The water bill last month was outrageous. We have got to stop fucking for hours in the shower
Just threw the poptarts. Sgits boutta go Down. 1 liter of wine
Just got caught staring at a woman breast feeding. My only response was, "She's so adorable".
I just realized I donated our bong to goodwill.. RIP Kimbo Slice
You suck, She hit so hard.
I started singing I believe I can fly in the shower and it was like the first stage of insanity
I'm going to try and loofah my hangover away.
Update: It didn't work
your life is going to be an empowering working mom montage tomorrow to Katy P's ROAR... --are you living in a yoplaít comercial?
My ex's new girlfriends ex boyfriend is getting me my nipples pierced for Valentine's Day so who's the real winner here
Pretty sure we're going to get a cease & desist notice from the Make A Wish Foundation, but until then...
Nothing like sitting at your midterm pissed at yourself because you put your graphing calculator batteries in your vibrator and forgot to put them back in before the exam 😑
I have finally found someone I enjoy for reasons that do not necessarily include his dick
It actually wasn't the first time that a guy I just met ate me out in the back seat of his car in a starbucks parking lot in the middle of the day.
Randomize
