Judging by the fact that my hair was glued to my head with vomit, yeah I think I couldve used a friend last night
We have a drunk bartender with her nips a quarter inch from bein out buying us shots. GET HERE.
You just said the magic words
I gave you head at the stadium on a Thursday night ESPN game. That damn well better be worth points on the score board!!!
fact: I now appreciate my drunken winter self even more. I just found $20 in my winter coat with a note that says keep yourself warm next winter. I am awesome.
Call me when you get up. This hang-over is like dismantling a bomb: I need someone to talk me through it.
You told her dad that you were gonna "superman that ho" I love the first impressions you make
I woke up in a poorly constructed blanket fort on a strange office floor covered in rug burns and champagne. How was your night?
I woke up in a tutu and topless. How was your night?
I'm at the nutcracker high as shit. It's so beautiful. I cried.
Just a suggestion, don't apricot scrub your vagina.
Only great wives bring your dope to you when you are at the Cardiologist
I walked over and you were apologizing to him because you're lady gaga and he's not. The best part was that he forgave you.
He still want's to kick my ass for fucking his sister, probably a bad idea to leave the bar with his ex...
i should probably stop doing things just because i think they’re funny. i’m not going to.
I woke up in nothing but my socks and my hat a cigarette in my mouth and a beer in my hand..........GREAT NEW YEARS
Randomize
