I just woke up to a lawnchair covered in lipstick. I'm wearing red lipstick. What happened and is the tequila?
His sex texting was like a step by step guide to the most boring sex ever...
he nicknamed his dick "too big to fail"
I keep having to talk dad out of putting tequila in the milkshakes.
you were leaning against the vending machine asking if there was a shower you could puke in.
Can you send me the video of that girl that got arrested last night? I'm gonna try and hit that and I need something to break the ice with.
I'm so glad I got to use the word gutterslut before 11:00a today.
i can't understand anything he's saying. But he spells alcohol right everytime so i deciphered it.
Bro what are you doing Thursday the day before I go to jail??
Fire alarms went off at reception of gay wedding im at. We all had to evacuate until FD got here. Then...ill just text the photos.
You dont lie about slip and slides
I don't know what was up he just kept sitting in his chair smoking weed and watching home movies all night it was weird as fuck.
What was the point of renting a $600 trolley if no one even remembers going to the first bar?
If I make it home without being sick in this captain's hat it will be a fucking miracle.
I feel like I should treat myself every time I find out I'm not pregnant. Is there a pie company that delivers??
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