Im too awkward for one night stands. I need to hire someone to come clear them out of my bed before I wake up.
I know i'm drunk when the "men" sign on the bathroom sounds chinese
First guy to fuck a girl in the new tool shed. Her underwear is on the shovel hook.
whos cum tastes better, a guy who drinks apple juice or cranberry juice?
I really need to stop coming home drunk and lint rolling my rabbit.
Tried to bribe the bartender with wedding cake. Felt bad for not giving her a tip.
So me and him are making out, and the other two are on the couch behind us. he randomly stops kissing me and goes "oh god I think she just took off her shirt" I look behind me and I see her tits flapping up and down. This man has amazing senses..
Just turned down sex because it's a holy day of obligation, my mom would be proud.
She's started this new thing where whenever she drives by random couples talking alone outside she yells "break up! this is your sign!"
I should send him a pic of my crotch with the caption "thanks for the memories"
Do you remember the bathroom attendant when he put out his hand for a tip and you gave him a high five?
How many times is too many times to use the word 'fuck' in my thesis?
I JUST REALIZED THAT SINCE LEIA IS TECHNICALLY A PRINCESS AND KYLO REN IS HER SON AND STAR WARS IS OWNED BY DISNEY...KYLO REN IS LITERALLY A DISNEY PRINCE.
Oh my Gods. Why. Why did you have to tell me that. D:
SO YOU CAN SUFFER HAVING THAT KNOWLEDGE TOO.
He asked me if I want to play Uber Driver, is this some new sex game or is he drunk and asking for a ride home?
I know... It's stupid... It's like, I have sex with his brother and bestfriend ONE time....
Randomize
