I dont understand how a fully grown man could convince himself that lime green crocks would look good on him.
Well we ran into the cornfields when the cops got there. We'd been hiding in there for 45 mins when he asks me "So this wasn't exactly how I'd planned this but I thought I'd ask. How do you feel about oral sex?"
didn't know how to tell his mom I was confused about how long we'd been together because we banged for a full year before making it official
That was the gentlest I've ever been bitten in the face by a dog
this is not okay. even my mom refers to me as a sorostitute.
You should get with him and swear you have to use lambskin condoms. That'll test his veganism.
The EMT told me when I left the ER "I'd like to take off your pants again and inspect your package. Just not during a medical emergency..." We're hooking up tonight.
Points for getting a hot hook up after getting a shard of glass in your thigh. Almost makes it worth it.
I just need like a magic vacuum to suck everything out of me and then an IV to put good stuff back in
I think it's time to give up this life and become vikings. You in?
It's gotten to the point that I'm pretty sure I'm going to need to be legally drunk before I enter the voting booth this year.
Crying in Target on a display sofa is normal, right? Asking for a friend.
I can't believe there are people our age getting engaged and I can't even find a solid coke dealer.
i ran into the Jo the housecleaner earlier this morning. i mentioned i had a little hangover and she asked what the occasion was.. i replied "Tuesday" without thinking. she judged the shit out of me.
It’s a hundred kinds of wrong to do Jell-O shots at home alone. Right?
I support drinking alone. But Jell-O shots. That’s a game changer.
If he’s halfway attractive, employed and cool with me having boytoys, I’ll marry him
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