Proposition. Sex. No words, no talking about it later. I just want you tonight.
For some reason, my father is not responding to the 5 texts I sent him that all read: "Dad dad dad dad dad dddaadd dddddaaaaaaaaad dad".
This whole foot fetish thing is getting out of control. He would rather hold my feet than me after we fuck.
Dude, she introduced me to her best friend form Russia and she was a 10. Her other Russian friend was even hotter. How did communism fail?
Ordered a large pizza and definitely just paid the cab driver in pizza slices. I'm glad there's someone out there that's just as fat at heart as we are.
My kindergarten teacher served me... All coming full circle
The money is just too good to quit doing it. I'm using the same justification strippers use.
You're invited to our X-games themed party. We have an ice luge and every time someone eats shit we drink. It's gonna be great.
So you told me to remind you that you vomited 3 times in the street because you would forget so here is your reminder
I know I'm high, but the dude in target definitely just told me that it's best to walk through every door in life like you're a t-rex....
"Let's do body shots off the freshmen" is officially the worst thing I've ever said.
AHHHHHHHHH. I LEFT A GLASS NEXT TO ME WHEN I FELL ASLEEP I'M SO SURE IT WAS WATER BUT NOW IT'S VODKA JESUS MADE A STOP
Hahahahahha. You saved a homeless man. You're actually the mother Teresa of skanks.
My Uber driver last night was driving a taxi and tried to charge me fare.
You didn't get in your Uber because your ex was driving, that was a legitimate taxi.
He's on the porch naked. Help.
Randomize
