Charged a drink to your name last night. Thanks for the whiskey
a strip club that doesn't allow touching or asking for sex... whats the point?
unless her vagina can tell me my horoscope in sign language, I'm not going.
Blind date just said "Can't wait till I'm married so i can let myself go". There will be no second date.
I'm thankful she wil die Alone. And I'm thankful I slept wiht her cousin. And brother.
I'm about to play Thunderstruck by myself, that way I'll always get the long thunder part.
I'm having one of my monday morning walk of shame coffees if you care to join.
Just an FYI if we break up I'm going to sleep with your cousin or who ever my dealer is.
That feeling when you're ready to convert to the religion of whatever god will stop the vomit. Dynamite is illegal.
Nevermind, there are three drinks waiting at the bar for me. I cannot disappoint this alcohol.
This is the guy I made out with and it made me think of my dad. Let's never talk about it again.
I've been to his house multiple times since that night and I STILL can't find my bra. And he says the hot tub ate my thong.
The homeless woman that called me a "dirty looking cunt" the other day, was standing outside Starbucks today with a sign that said "Jesus loves you."
He had all the grace of a fucking hippo and the emotional control of a five year old
There we go, I shall begin my attempt to achieve whore status today
He texted me at 4:30 in the morning saying "I'm not drunk but I think you're beautiful" and then a facebook message at 6 am saying "hi" and the subject was "oh"
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