I just had to have my mom look at my penis to figure out what it was. How do you think my day is going?
ive decided theres a fine line between accepting money for sex and letting someone buy you late night taco bell and knowing that if he hadnt you wouldnt be in his bed right now
this mix will be the most desperate cry for affection in the history of itunes.
There's 12 honey baked hams in my fridge. I vaguely recalled you organizing a "Midnight Ham Run."
I'm too drunk to be surrounded by this many indians
How do you manage to be drunk and a racial minority so often?
he quoted the bible to break up with me
we got cut off at 8 am. He spilled his drink three times on the plane. this should be one hell of a vegas trip
OH YEAH AND FORGOT TO THANK YOU FOR THE lack of WARNING THAT HE WASN'T CIRCUMSIZED.
I found a playlist on my ipod with only one song on it: gold digger. confused, but not surprised.
By NOT going to the gym, I'm helping my future. I don't want stripping, prostitution, or porn to be viable money making options.
My favorite bra is missing and I smell like beer and bad decisions. This is definitely a sign that hoe mode is activated.
A real best friend would support the hoe in me. Not remind me of what happened the last time I slept with a boss
The people above me are fucking to Miley Cyrus
He thought reverse cowgirl meant he dressed up as a cowgirl. Honestly, it was more creepy than funny
Why is the toilet broken? Why did I wake up naked in the shower, hugging a bath mat? WHY IS THE TOILET BROKEN?
Is it just clogged or something?
No! There are actual chunks of toilet on the floor.
Randomize
