I wish they made portable blow up dolls for girls.
It's called a dildo, genius. Go to sleep.
let's just say I never want to get pulled over and have to explain to the cop why I'm wearing a false beard again.
It was a cry at the bar alone type of night, served with a side of passing out facedown in my nachos.
I just realised I've never been sober in my apartment
well shes beginning to earn a reputation as "the girl who tries to bone her hook ups in the ass with a pickle"
I hope you dream of an avalanche of penises
for the record, you never really realize how drunk you still are until you get on rollerskates...
also had sex in his sister's princess style bunk bed.
but you are a princess that one was appropriate.
im lying in bed trying to choke myself out because being awake hurts too much
Her roommate was talking on her cell when I came out of the bedroom and I definitely heard her describe how shitty and terrified I looked. Awesome.
I just spent the last three days trying to hook up with a dude for his pool privileges
I barely trust you with my tinder, why would I let you take the staples out of my head?!
I'm upset for all the future generations who can't drunkenly get cheesy bread
Turns out dignity is priceless and Plan B costs $41.09
Once you start using "cuddles" as a code word for sex you'll never get real cuddles again
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