Whenever I'm sad I just imagine if babies were born with mustaches...
you missed a midterm to shack? WOW. How desperate are you?
Does it count as a shower if I just sat in the tub singing I'm a Little Teapot?
some girl just asked me how to spell unconscious. I really want to know what she was texting.
you kept saying 'its nothing a six pack wont fix' as they loaded you into the ambulance.
I just found blacked-out interviews on my voice recorder. Go journalism.
And you just kept trying to fit through the dog door and not drop Jello shots.
Would it be in bad taste to ask Marky Mark to sign the vibrator I named after him?
NOT EVEN KIDDING RIGHT NOW. THE GUY IN THE SPIDERMAN COSTUME JUST FELL OFF THE ROOF INTO A BABY POOL. GET HERE NOW!!
Swear to god our friendship has its limits. Stop peeing on the fucking refrigerator.
Let us ponder on the good times. Ya know when the Jonas brothers were incapable of growing facial hair and I didn't fully understand what a dick looks like
My actions are not mine. They are the actions of Patron.
I mean when you laced a shot with $200 worth of cocaine I could see why you'd be mad when somebody drops it
I'm fucked-out. That state of being high between fucked up and passed out.
I teamed up with my vagina. I compromised his morals and then she corrupted him for good. It’s been a very successful and slutty partnership
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