I may have told her we're dating for a handjob, Fake tits are overrated.
just woke up in a hotel room.. realizing its the hotel i work at.. lets see how this walk of shame turns out
So someone hacked my email and facebook and posted a boob pic I took a few years ago as my profile picture. I feel like an MTV commercial.
I can't wait until weight watchers comes out with a beer
She was so adorably desperate I didn't have the heart to tell her I wasn't a lesbian. So now She's making waffles, may switch teams over this.
Fuck it dude, we gotta bounce before she starts talking about her steve irwin conspiracy
Depending on hangover severity. The fact that I can spell severity is in your favor.
and PS, please don't fuck in the corn maze, k?
okay, please tell me Cammy is the one who put the picture and note on my desk saying "beat off to this homeboy"
This year i'm grateful for nothing other than the discovery that the uncircumcized rumors about him were wrong
But you can still look for dick after you find Jesus.
Sorry I didn't answer your call last night, I was peeing on the driveway.
Just ate Panda Express. Fortune cookie had no fortune in it. I actually prefer this. Less broken dream potential.
Did that sound smart? Cuz beneath the boozy exterior beats the heart of a fucking scientist.
Also, I'm not that drunk, but I'm thinking of pulling the blinds all the way up and casting some porn up onto the living room TV to establish dominance over our neighbors.
Randomize
