Ah, the precious few moments between when i wake up and when i realize why i'm sleeping on a treadmill.
I'm not saying he has herpes, I'm just saying he slept with my friend that has herpes.
my roommate just showed me the scar on her forehead... that she got from a shake weight... That. just. happened.
I slept with him because his girlfriend should know better than to be with him given is reputation. It was like sex and a lesson all in one.
How do we turn this unicorn pinata into a bong?
Then me, her, and her mom snorted tequila. The bartender was in shock.
All you had to say was "damn dude that looks fun, I miss ice fishing." But you sent a picture of poop. Classy
You know you are 86'd from the legacy right? You can't down shots then spike the shot glass
Just set up my first threesome: a rapper and a Marine. Pretty sure at least 80% of girls in America hate me right now.
Same I threw up in 3 different cities already today
apparently I got pissed off that no one would let me spray them with a bottle of champagne at midnight of the new year. so I sprayed myself with one shirtless in the near freezing cold outside
I woke up at 4am because the neighbors cat managed to sneak into my bed. HOW THE FUCK DOES THIS STUFF HAPPEN TO
Our relationship revolved around Taylor Swift albums. It's no wonder it ended so fast
Nothing says girls night like wine cheese and pregnancy tests 😂
Are you drunk? You left me a voicemail at 5:59 AM of you making dolphin sounds.
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