So, how was the dinner
Just like the ex wife, cold, fatty, and expensive.
remember when mike pissed in his pants and then put a double cheeburger in the pocketsss of said wet pants for "safe keeping"? yea drunker then that.
He shouted my World of Warcraft name while we were having sex, and he was sober.
I think her nose is broken... but I think she's just drunk enough to fall for the whole "sex releases endorphins, so it'll feel better" line.
This is one of the fundamental differences between you and I. If I found meat in a plastic bag, I wouldn't put it in my mouth.
Hate the very realistic pregnancy dreams. Like my dream when I birthed the pirate ships. SO REAL...
I feel like, for the first time today, we had a healthy yolo.
TOUCH YOURSELF. DO IT.
I don't think that's how you're supposed to sext
I paid off a credit card today. And I was tested negative for HIV. AND I did laundry. Honestly, I'm most excited about the laundry.
I used the light from the first guy's text notification to be able to snapchat the second guy in the dark. I am too good at juggling guys.
I told him we could use my stove to make weed brownies, from that point on he kept reffering to me as "best pledge ever"
Themes for tonight: men who look like bill Gates but sing smash mouth songs. Women who's names are also food. Haircuts that DO NOT cover bald spots.
I saw a picture of a baby and it reminded me to take my birth control. Priorities
I threw my back out having sex last night. I don’t know whether to high five myself for a job well done or cry because I’m old.
I JUST PETTED A FUCKING SQUIRREL. A SQUIRREL.
Randomize
