Michael Jackson had a heart attack when he found out boyz to men was a music group not a delivery service.
I'm inventing beer flavored vodka. This raspberry shit makes me feel like a pussy.
He spanked me with a plate. I'm not sure where this is going...
At home depot. Final room inspection is tmrow, gotta paint over the puke stains
she just pulled a hulk hogan to make her point. no idea how it helped
Hey, next time you have sex, flick his balls, and tell him "thats for getting spit in jennifer's eye and laughing about it."
I'm alone drinking at the bar and the titanic theme song is on. This won't end well.
I let a naked juice spill down my leg for like 30 minutes bc i thought i was hallucinating that my leg was cold.
She is larger then a hippo. You could cut her open in the middle of a blizzard and crawl in like Luke skywalker. Throw a couch and a tv in there and you're set
I was going to ask the people in the kitchen to keep the volume down, but they're cooking pasta at 3 AM and one complimented me on my polka-dot nightgown. They're high. No volume control.
There is pretty much a target on everyone's lips when I am drunk. EVERYONE
Stop calling dibs on everything with a vagina you jackass.
That should be the title of my autobiography.
I feel like cursing someone's first born child right now. Like I wanna maleficent some bitch.
If you think eating a bowl of leftover stuffing and drinking champagne from the bottle in dirty sweats at 9am is sexy... Then yeah, I'm your girl.
The last thing I need is a possessed urethra.
Randomize
