dear santa what can i do with your candy cane?
Do I have a sign around my neck that says "SWM desperately seeking ultra-plus-size woman that likes everything I do"? I swear they're organized
No, but you do have a sign around your neck that says "Free cupcakes."
It's been over a month and I still can't find the bra I wore out on new years eve.
she fell through a window trying to flash someone
when he was about to finish he told me to avert my eyes and keep my lady parts away. chivalry isnt dead.
Hate you missed the after party, I was covered in dish soap gliding bare assed down a slip n slide at 6:30 this morning
Dude, if I don't end up wearing a banana suit in Milwaukee, I will consider that trip a complete failure.
I just wrote a love letter to my weed and texted it to my cousin. I can't say it any differently. It happened.
LET ME HAVE MY JUDGMENT OF OTHER PEOPLE
His roommate walked in then asked "well did you at least finish". What a way to start your birthday
Sorry I yelled at you and called you Amish and puked on your eggs
New guy moved in the apartment next door. He's a combat vet, 6'4", Adonis body and going to med school. My vagina is chewing thru the wall as we speak.
And then you poured the rest of the vodka into salsa and added the alcohol soaked pineapples and grapes and said "don't touch my salsa breakfast".
I always felt my time would come in the form of a tidal wave of whisky
No instead we fucked in the elevator.. it was wrong on so many levels..
How tall was the building? Maybe it was only wrong on some of them
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