Haha he acted like he's never seen a tampon catapolt across the hall before
I think i accidentally made vodka pancakes
She looked at my facebook and decided to bump the security deposit up an extra 250...now we have to destroy the house, its expected and I wouldn't want to disappoint
I'm making presurgery martini's. You need to be here.
i just saw you make out with a girl with facial hair...just thought i would document that in case you forgot
If anyone ask I'm rushing for brotherhood, not so that this bartender will suck my dick
his name is devion and he has a voice like velvet and handcuffs
I mean you guys are my friends and all but if you fuck with me I will not hesitate to set you on fire
You haven't lived until you've thrown up naked in a hotel room in Fargo while holding your breasts so they don't touch the toilet bowl.
He serenaded me a cappella to Ed Sheeran. I wasn't going to leave his dick unsucked.
do I look like a person who has full control of their limbs and existence on this plane of reality
I just fell and sprained my ankle in the shower. No, I wasn't having sex. I was doing the time warp. Again.
"Why is there a bottle of Tequila taped to the fan?"
You do realize it’s only a matter of time before I have a bad day and come home with an alpaca?
Talk shit all you want but with my new knife sharpener I have a lethal razor sharp pizza cutter. Fuck with me Mario I dare you!
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