Call me "white mamba"
Your dick is not a dangerous deadly poisonous snake
It is white.
My mom is getting really tired of hearing the excuse 'it's 5 oclock somewhere'
she asked if i had a condom...i said yes...when we finished it wasnt on...told her it was at home on my dresser.
Reading in my econ of energy textbook about the US' largest oil spill from the 1990's.. guess i can't sell this one back either
Always thought my first night in jail would consist of fire and a bunny suit.
Ok more importantly someone in a chicken costume just stepped in front of my car and started breakdancing...
I'm pretty sure my lung is caught on my rib. And I can't feel the left side of my face. Best. Sex. Ever.
We found Kyle. He was next door yelling at the elderly couple to let him continue his golf game. No more afternoon drinking for him.
Would "deck the halls with penises " be an appropriate event title? I know peni is the plural but flow of the tongue as well
Please tell me you werent the one who replaced every beer bottle in my fridge with a picture of a baby kitten.
... and if i was..
Fuck. You.
He's balder, I'm skinnier. I win. I. Win.
Things he's good at: oral sex and geometry. Things he's not good at: actual sex.
He was walking around and kept offering the neighbors flamingo lawn ornaments shots of vodka.
I sent my brother over to my ex's to get the rest of my stuff. He comes back SEVEN HOURS LATER, high as fuck without my shit! No loyalty.
This should be illegal
It is
I mean more illegal... I shouldn't have this
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