its a long story involving jim bean, an owl, and a knife
just ran into my gynecologist at the liquor store... i think she's found the source of my problems
Mistake of the day: loudly discussing my gay hookups on the phone at the dmv in upstate NY... this must be what leprosy feels like
I woke up to him pissing in their fireplace with fairy wings on.
her dad gauges his nipple piercings.
Shit on my own feet while puking from my hangover. Is this what 33 is supposed to be like?
I told my fuck buddy that I wanted one of his arms to take home with me to hold onto in bed and he was hurt that I didn't want to bring him, like as a person, home to my family. I feel like you and only you could appreciate this.
I need to wear something that says I would have sex with you but I'm not going to
How many hotdogs are you going to eat today?
THE LIMIT DOES NOT EXIST
Honestly, I want an afternoon of mild abuse, mixed with face fucking and general molestation that turns in love making, laughter and cinnamon toast crunch naked in bed.
It might look like I curled my hair last night but it's just the jiz.
Last night was a sign that I need to stop sleeping with any girl that can quote the mighty ducks
Specially the ones that look like Goldberg
I had to explain to an ER nurse that I burned my dick playing onion ring toss today, your social awkwardness hardly compares.
You planned on giving him head in the shower?
More like I just fell and it seemed like a good idea when I was down there
The night went downhill somewhere between the time I was triple fisting smirnoff and when I was throwing up in the yard in nothing but my bra while he talk to me about mashed potatoes
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