Ducking stuck downtown...all the fuxkig roads are blixkded
so, totally just picked up a pack of red bull, and some magnum condoms and the old woman at the register's tone went from "hi blah how are you" to "oh....how YOU DOIN'?" she knew what was up
I just smelled my beer. It smells like coming home.
Considering the fact that you wouldn't give me my cat last night because he was "destined for broadway", yeah, I'm accusing you of stealing him
and now her best friend is massaging my table under the leg. this may not end well.
we found his I.D. in the upstairs bathroom...under a towel in a hidden pile of snacks from her kitchen
why is my new profile picture on Facebook one of me with a bunch of strangers on an elevator?
Nothing like snapchatring dick pics to a\nMarried woman while your girlfriend destroys Taco Bell in the next room. Almost caught, worth it. Got boobs back
Muscle is literally tearing itself off of my shins. No I am not going on another bar crawl with you.
I'll pay?
Pick me up at 9.
The moment I said this burrito on my nuts feels really good is the moment I knew I was drunk
I accused the cab driver of smoking weed in the taxi then I remember it was me.
Good friends go out of their way to crop dust your ex not once but twice. I knew we were friends for a reason
Are you feeling better yet?
I need a nap and a new butthole
So glad I can hide money in my wallet and drunk me is too stupid to find it. Hangover sushi ftw.
This is bullshit, I shit my pants for the 1st time in 30 years, stuck on the 405, fuck this shit.
Depends
Randomize
