Even Lady Gaga hates Purdue
i don't know what the guinness world record is for longest time eating nothing but skittles but i'm going on six days
i wrote her a fucking poem. i better get laid for that
If your dick isn't up when i get home you're catching tonight.
There is something about weddings and lines being done off my ass
Hey everyone. This evenings celebration will commence with a cocktail hour at genghis at 830 to be followed with an upscale dining experience at taco bell at 10. All are welcome. This is not a joke. Thank you
dude wearing that thong all day was not worth the 7 bucks
$100 bras are my way of telling my boobs that I love and appreciate them, and all the metaphorical doors they have opened for me.
If I don't at least start a parade that spirals into drunken riots then I'm calling it a fail of a birthday
I am far too hungover to deal with the fact I can hear you masturbating in the bathroom.
Bro. Some kids just drive-by judged the shit outta me.
The only thing keeping me calm right now is pretending to chop off everyone's heads when using the paper cutter
I was gonna turn him down, but he correctly identified a song from Pocahontas.
Per my usual Thursday, I blacked out and slept on the stairs.
He doesn't like Sabbath and that alone is a GIANT red flag. Learn from my experiences and never, I mean NEVER associate with people that hate Black Sabbath and Motörhead.
Randomize
