Im am drinking whisky alone in my parents basement. I think I just watched the point of no return stroll by.
Her divorce is going to cut into the amount of time we spend fucking.
I'm in awe of how selfish that is.
...that's why he's not doing anything with his life except breeding geckos
I found him. We're on the way back to the condo. He was sitting in the lifeguard stand letting people passing by take pictures of his nipples for a buck each..he made 15 dollars
I take back all of the insults I've ever said toward those money makers
we are all four or five tequila-induced decisions away from shitting in a bucket, come get me please.
That's not a good night. A good night is waking up with no skirt, no money, and the imprint of the edge of the bar on your forehead.
Uh no. you let me handle it. trust me: I can paint the Mona Lisa in tints of bitch.
New one-upper goal: I have to shit off the side of a moving train then jump off
Because I know nothing is hotter than ocean themed dick pics on SnapChat...
On a scale of one to Harambe, how attached were you to your goldfish?
I'm literally naked with a whole pizza in my lap sitting in my chair.
what are you getting to drink for new years?
well seeing as how i just got diagnosed with a uti, whatever we can mix with cranberry juice
Just got drunk at the Cheesecake Factory again. Made me think of you.
That's the nicest thing anyone's ever said to me.
My boyfriend and my fuck buddy are going to the strip club together... Should I be concerned?
Listen, i know this is weird for you, but as your fuck buddy, id prefer if you didnt fuck her.
Youre asking too much from me
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