I look better un-naked...
you know i think I know why you are single...because you are real cute but then you open your mouth and let words come out and all goes to hell.
thanks for leaving the note with the doctor's recommendations for my lip, they are dissolvable stitches right?
I mean besides the fact someone got stabbed, I still had a pretty good night.
I just had a full choir singing the phrase pudding cup in my head. Too. Stoned.
So do you want to hear how I got the hickey first, or how I got the black eye?
I'm not sure I can continue to condone our having sex in all of your friends' beds
My serious response to your Cathy tattoo inquiry- Do you ever want to get laid by someone not wearing a Blossom style bucket hat? Tattoo accordingly.
I had no idea he had such passive aggressive animalistic tendencies. This is the human equivalent of peeing on someone.
I cried while dry heaving in the back of the car to the New York song with jay z in it. I was singing it inbetween gags.
He told me he was gonna go wash a trailer and somehow I ended up eating vodka fruit with children in a green bean field.
My booty call is in the theater watching Deadpool right now. Never though comics would work against me.
I sucked his dick by a creek, how romantic.
I was giving this fat lawyer a table dance and he asked me if I would be willing to play with his long, hard stick of the law. And you want me to stop drinking at work?
What the hell was that?
Genius. It was sheer genius.
Randomize
