A freshman just woke up on our back pourch... He swears there was a party here last night but we didn't have one
I just texted him to come over because I want to see if his hand fits the handprint bruise on my ass.....I feel like the cinderella of S&M
You need to let me be on top sometimes. I gotta get rid of these love handles
Did you just reference Ludacris during my possible pregnancy scare of 2012?!
I have fireworks and redbull; let's make heart attack inducing magic happen.
the bruises from climbing out of the window last night make sitting at my desk impossible. legit excuse to not study right?
You're 21st was epic. I woke up at 6 a.m. on the floating beer pong table in the pool with a beer still in hand. Didn't even spill any
Last night I dreamed that I got eaten out by Lego Harry Potter.
I just lectured my ex boyfriend on how to eat a girl out what has my life come to
i guess i fuck people who own bucket hats so i can't talk shit
This week I fucked a police officer and called both the Senators from the state I'm in and the one I'm moving to. What have you done since the election?
That's brilliant but could get us arrested. Give me shots until I shout LET'S DO THIS
To be fair, this is a tequila-while-rewatching-Benedict-Cumberbatch-as-Van-Gogh idea, so I don't know if it will hold up tomorrow.
She was trying to be sexy well putting on my condom with her mouth when her cat pounced from the corner of the room witch caused her to gasp and inhale the condom
Do you ever go take a shit and end up sitting on the toilet for like 45 minutes wondering what the fuck you're doing with your life?
Everyday my friend, everyday.
Randomize
