i just ordered a pitcher of margaritas for me and a friend but she called and canceled. oh well, looks like im getting trashed alone.
the waiter who hardly speaks english told me "i go get your medicine now"
this medicine is soooo good.
I accidentally told him I've been cheating on him with his brother last night.
How did that happen by accident?
I was drunk and vomited all over him and thought, "maybe he will just stay with me out of pity if I tell him with stomach acid and alcohol all over his crotch." I was wrong.
i made two phi delts show me their dicks in less than 30 words! Take that twitter!
What's the point of being healthy if people still don't want to fuck you?
It was like having sex with a donkey. Everytime she got close she would kick me.
i just sent him like 8 different sexts and he texted me back about how good the hummus is that i left in his fridge.
You working tonight?
Keg. Hottub. Wearimnh a 8th graders bikini. Mess
JOY: That feeling when you crack open a handle for the first time, and the flow limiter comes off with the cap.
I just laid my head on this pillow and I smelt your penis. It was comforting.
Dude you took some guys glasses off his face and ran out of the bar
Haha I haven't even had my interview yet and I'm already trying to fuck my way to the top. 'Merica.
11/10 would buy him a McLobster
I banged a guy named Robbie last night and in the middle of sex he begged me to scream santos. I'm pretty sure I just screwed a dude with multiple personalities.
lol I'll trade you jello for a tampon
what a trade!
You drank the pool water to get rid of your hiccups
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